December 7, 2008

Keep Christmas PC This Year!

Before the Christmas shopping season begins on December 24, I always like to make sure that my seasonal festivities are complete with decorations that are politically correct. After all, in this day in age when being offended is an abridgement of Constitutional rights, I want to be positive my decorations are not categorized as Right-wing-Evangelical-Republican dogma. To that end, I’ve made some slight modifications which should keep everybody happy.

The first thing people see is the outside of my house. Since I don’t want to offend anybody, I can’t put up colored Christmas lights. And be it far from me to put up all white lights. Next I need up put up a light-up Santa and maybe a reindeer display. Santa is too Christmasy, so I have to think of someone else that just gives away stuff for free and only cares about you once a year. Therefore, I’ve chosen a light-up Democrat Congressperson but I’ll have to rig up some sort of backbone to keep it erect—former Arkansas Governors need not apply. Now the reindeer are going to be trouble. PETA wouldn’t be too pleased by seeing reindeer whipped and pulling a sleigh, so I think I’ll just have our Santa stand-in stand next to a Yugo. The only normal decoration that I wouldn’t have to change would be the icicle lights since the sickle was apart of the Soviet flag (pun intended). Finally, the last thing I needed was a nativity scene. I didn’t want to portray normalcy as a man and woman being married, so I had to find two guy statues to play Jesus’ parents. All the animals of course had to be donkeys. And, I couldn't allow a baby Jesus to portray His birth, so I left the manger empty to show that pro-choice was acceptable.

Let’s move inside the house. The first thing I need is a Christmas tree. To keep the environmentalists at bay, I couldn't just go cut a tree down. By doing so, I might cause the Alaskan Snow Owl to have to take up residency in a K-Mart sign—which might prove there is still a necessity for K-Mart. I thought about getting a plastic tree, but plastic is made from oil, and if I buy a plastic tree, I’ll just be supporting the evil capitalistic gains of Big Oil. So, I figured I needed to find a seasonal plant. The only thing I could find that would be acceptable to the PC crowd was a marijuana plant. Since hanging ornaments would be offensive to the anti-capital punishment crowd, I just turned them loose on the floor around the plant. The real difficulty was choosing an acceptable plant topper. Stars are pointed and therefore not OSHA approved. And, angels are associated with a higher power (formerly God) by which we talk to him by a moment of silence (formerly prayer). Since nothing would do, I had to leave the plant topless—a top qualification on the Clinton intern application form. Next, I had to hang the stockings but I considered stockings might be offensive to people with large feet, so this Christmas will remain stockingless—another qualification on the Clinton intern application form.

Lest you take me seriously, I just wanted to portray the kind of Christmas we’d be enjoying if the PC crowd had its way. But thanks be to God that the gift He gave is not just for those who were good all year, but is given for the whole world, regardless of how "good" you think you are. Merry Christmas.

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