October 25, 2009

Trick-or-Trick: The Liberal Halloween

We are under a week away from one of the most anticipated holidays for kids across America. On Saturday, witches and goblins will traipse through your yard just to get a piece of candy. However, since we've began an era of change and hope, I think we should enjoy a Halloween that is more politically sensitive.

First, let's make sure our Halloween decorations are well-tamed. Traditional Halloween decor echoes those things that make us scared. Usual displays will include a spider or two in their webs. Now, we all know that hanging up spiders for public display is just exploiting them for personal gain. Our friends at PETA would have a cow...well, maybe not a cow, but a marijuana plant. Let's take down the spiders and leave the webs up to show that the spiders shouldn't have gotten involved in sub-prime lending. Next, skeletons will shake their bones as the wind blows cold. Skeletons however carry the idea of death and decay. To achieve the same results, but in a more friendly manner, replace the skeletons with dummies of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi; and by dummies I mean the real people. Now, any automated displays just use electricity which increases our pollution. The keep the EPA at bay, we will replace them with a solar powered tape recorder of one of Joe Lieberman's speeches. Hey, you may not have any trick-or-treaters while the speech is playing, but at least you'll achieve the height of scariness.

During the Halloween time of year, many will flock to haunted houses in an attempt to dare to leave the establishment with dry pants. The Federal Government wanted to participate this year and has set up a haunted house of their own. It's called "Your Average Day in Congress." As you approach the House of Representatives, you'll actually see them voting "yes" on Obama-care. This isn't an act! As you run to escape, you stumble into the Senate Chambers to witness them approving a tax increase. It is so scary that George Voinovich is in the corner, crying. Robert Byrd comes from the side in a white sheet, "pretending to be a ghost." It is a nightmare you can't wake up from! But, what if they did have an actual haunted house? What would it be like?

As you approach the decrepit house, you notice Bob Dole standing at the entrance cluching a sickle in his hand. He speaks--"Bob Dole wouldn't go in there! Bob Dole would run away!" Absolutely astounding! You've already got your money's worth! As you make your way into the first room, it is a clown room. People hate clowns and these clowns are of no exception. They were able to save money on make-up by hiring real clowns - the Federal Circuit Judges. After you duck and dive their bench-driven legislation, you go through a black curtain into an operation room. In this room, the care you desperately need is given to the illegal immigrant and their 10 children. Before you leave, you are given their bill. The room ahead is dim with an occasional strobe light flash. There's not much in it. It is rather empty. Like an angler fish dangles the little light in front of its mouth for prey, you can't help but be drawn to the strobe. The room has a sign that says, "The Promises of Liberalism." You read it just before the room puts its jaws around you and you run to the next room. The room is rather reflective. You think you are in a room of mirrors. It is one pantsuit after another. "This must be the Hillary Clinton room", you think. But look carefully, this is actually just John Edward's wardrobe. As you come to the end of the haunted house, one last task awaits you. You must escape through Al Gore's teeth, dripping with global warming. Or, quickly take the Bill Clinton "Knock before you come in" secret escape door to the left. You will land comfortably in what Bill affectionately refers to as "silicon valley."

Now it's Halloween. In true Liberal fashion, kids will march up to each house and demand candy for nothing more than from a cute phrase. This year, if you leave your light off, you will be put in jail for non-compliance. Remember, the more candy you give, the more you affect the kid's health. More unhealthy kids means more health care needed. I think you get the point.

I think I'll stay in this Halloween and put a bowl of candy out with a sign that says, "Please take one." Many will be law-abiding and only take one. However, there will be those that will break the law and steal as much as they want. Therefore, to fix the problem, we are going to ban the law-abiding from taking one piece of candy in the future. Hey, it works for gun control, right?!

Happy Halloween

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